I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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