so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
