I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We need to rekindle our bromance
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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