I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
