your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm gonna have a badass scar
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
