the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
