My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
