I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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