and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
