You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
