Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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