Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
