I accidentally burped into my bong.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
