to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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