hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
