just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Sober January is a disaster.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
