Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize