I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
