Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
