go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
