i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
