The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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