I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
