Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Boobs are out for the taking
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
