yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
