Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
