I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's rum buckets o'clock
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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