3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
