you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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