And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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