My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
