I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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