After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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