she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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