im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
