Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
if only i could text you this smell
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
