he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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