can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
