So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
