he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
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