Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
