This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
