Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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