new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
