2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize