too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
