My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
