Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Shame - the story of my life.
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