I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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