I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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