Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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