I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
