you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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