If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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