guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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