Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
