The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
