your room smells of hookers.
And success
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
